Remus Lupin Got Married
by Sparklystuff
Summary: You didn't expect Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks to have an ordinary wedding night, did you? Of course not. Thus, a story of love against all odds, including squeaky vibrating beds and mysterious packages. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** Remus, Tonks, Sirius, and HP in general do not belong to me. But they're all so cool I can't help but have my way with them.

**A/N:** Chronologically, this would take place inbetween _Someone Like Me_ and _Old Wolf, New Tricks,_ for anyone that's read my other oneshots and cares. Originally written for the R/T Challenge ficathon on LJ. I don't really know what the point of this fic is other than that.

Thank you to everyone that's so kindly reviewed all my other fics! Enjoy.

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**Remus Lupin Got Married  
**

Tonks watched giddily as Remus unlocked the door to their Honeymoon Suite at the Hogsmeade Arms. As soon as it was open, she started to walk in, but he stopped her.

"Wait a minute," he said, a smile beginning to curl his lips. In one fell swoop, he picked up Tonks, vintage wedding dress and all, resulting in her loud squeal.

"I've got to carry you over the threshold," he grinned.

Tonks eyed the shabby hotel room (dubbed the "Honeymoon Suite" only because it had the largest bed--which vibrated, apparently). "I'm not entirely sure there's much of a threshold to cross, love," she commented, but wrapped her arms around his neck and grinned anyway.

"Well," replied Remus, carrying his new wife into the room, "I've waited a long time for this moment, and I want to do it right."

A wicked grin spread across Tonks' features. "Oh, well in that case, that makes two of us. Especially the 'doing it' part."

"Oh, I see. I knew you only married me for the sex."

"Well, that, and your vast fortune."

He dumped Tonks rather unceremoniously on the bed, eliciting another loud giggle from her—and a horrifyingly loud creak from the bed.

"I told you not to eat all that cake at the reception," Remus chastised jokingly, standing above her and trying to keep a straight face. "Now you've gone and made yourself fat and you're going to break the bed."

"Ooh," replied Tonks, eyes wide. She reached up and grabbed Remus by his tie and started to pull him down on top of her. "Break the bed? Is that a promise?" she asked seductively.

He didn't get a chance to answer before she had him down on the bed with her, her hands tangled in his hair, kissing him soundly. The bed, meanwhile, groaned and creaked under the weight of a second body.

Remus pulled away for a moment. "I hate to disappoint you, but I don't think it's going to take much to break this thing."

As if agreeing wholeheartedly, the bed let out a CREEEEEAAAK, and Tonks burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Remus rolled off Tonks and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Tonks asked, still giggling.

"You deserve a better wedding night than this," he replied, and Tonks rolled her eyes and contemplated whether or not to hit him with a pillow.

"I mean it," he continued earnestly. "You should have had the wedding of your dreams, with one of those big poufy gowns…maybe in some grand cathedral, or castle, and then honeymoon in a five-star hotel or quaint bed-and-breakfast, or at least not any place that features beds with signs that say 'Insert 5 Knuts For Super Vibrating Action'—"

"Remus," Tonks interrupted him, with a tone of voice that he was quickly learning meant _Shut up and stop being daft._ "If I had wanted a big fancy wedding like that, I would have married a Malfoy. I wanted _you_. And so what if we did have some lavish, expensive wedding? Would it make any difference? Would our friends have been happier for us in a giant hall rather than a park? Would we make more passionate love in a five-star-bed over any other bed? Would it guarantee us happiness, or make our marriage any more likely to last? Would it make us love each other more? Would we be any more officially married? _No._ We'd just waste a bunch of money on material things that don't mean anything. And stop looking at me like that."

But he was looking at her _like that_, like as if it were just now hitting him that he had met the best thing that ever happened to him, and that she was actually real, and not just a pipe dream, and really married to him, and really next to him in a bed, staring at him with exasperation.

"You're right," he finally mumbled. "There's nothing that could possibly make me love you more." He leaned over to kiss her, but Tonks was suddenly distracted.

"Actually, this room isn't so bad," she pointed out. "Looks like someone tried to spice it up a bit."

They sat up, and for the first time since entering the room, actually took notice that the room was decorated floor-to-ceiling in crepe paper—in addition to flowers, candles, and naked glittering fairies charmed to float in mid-air. The four-poster bed was festooned with ribbons around the posts.

They laughed and flopped back on the bed—SQUEEEAAAKK—where they noticed a sparkling sign attached to the top of the moth-eaten canopy. It read:

**WAY TO GO PROFESSOR LUPIN & MRS PROFESSOR LUPIN!**

**Cheers,**

**Harry, Ron, Hermione, Gred, Feorge, Luna, Ginny and Neville Longbottom**

**P.S. We left you change for the nifty vibrating bed. Use it well. **

**P.P.S. The fairies fart. Sorry, best we could find.**

Indeed, there was a pile of Knuts on the nightstand, inside a paper party cup from the reception that had REMUS & TONKS'S HAPPY FUN FUND scrawled on it.

"Oh, so that's what they were collecting change for," Remus mused.

"If anyone calls me Mrs Professor Lupin, I will hex them," Tonks added.

They looked at each other and laughed until tears were coming down their faces. Afterward, Remus took Tonks' hand in his and held her eyes as he brought her hand up to his lips and placed soft kisses along her palm, and down her wrist. Their eyes never left each other as she cupped his cheek with her hand and ran her thumb slowly across his lips.

"I hope we'll always be like this," he said softly, once her hand had traveled down to the back of his neck. "That we'll always be able to look at life and smile and laugh about it."

Tonks smiled lovingly, but then raised an eyebrow. "This? Coming from the man who spent a year trying to convince me not to love him because it would be too difficult?"

"Well, you know, now that I'm permanently stuck with you, I need to make the best of it--"

This earned Remus a jab in the side. "Just for that, you are sleeping on the floor tonight, with the farting fairies, and I shall have the vibrating bed all to myself," Tonks cried, and climbed over him, laughing, in an attempt to stick five knuts in the little box. She was quickly intercepted by two strong arms that yanked her back down to the bed—CREEEEAAK—followed by lips that began covering her body with kisses that left her half-giggling, half-moaning.

"The only thing--that belongs on the floor--with the--farting fairies," Remus told her, in-between kisses, "is—this damn dress."

"Well," said Tonks slowly, finding it increasingly difficult to formulate a sentence, "…we have to be careful, it was…it was my mum's…"

"Your mum—wore—a cream dress with—fuchsia embroidery?"

"All right, I made…a few…adjustments…had to match my hair of course…"

WHOMP.

Tonks shrieked, Remus jumped, and they both looked to the window where a giant owl had plopped on the windowsill, carrying a large package.

"What on earth?" Remus got up and went over to investigate.

"Another surprise from Harry, Ron, Hermione, Gred, Feorge, Luna, Ginny, and Neville Longbottom, perhaps?" Tonks suggested.

Remus took the package from the owl—which looked too tired to leave immediately and made itself at home on Remus' suitcase—and examined it. "It looks…old," he finally said.

"Here," said Tonks, "I'm an Auror; better for me to open a suspicious package than you." It was a rectangular box, covered in partly-torn gift wrap with a faded wedding bell design on it. It was magical in origin though, as the illustrated bells were still slowly moving back and forth on the paper. Tonks ripped off the gift wrap, and Remus cringed.

"Oh, don't tell me you're one of those anal people that carefully take off the gift wrap and folds it neatly."

Remus didn't say anything, but looked mournfully at the shreds of gift wrap.

Tonks sighed and opened the box. Inside was a large bottle of cider, and a folded note that said, _To the happy couple._

She had begun to open the note when she noticed Remus had gone very pale, almost white. "You're not still upset about the gift wrap, are you? I'll Spellotape it back together if it's that important to you."

But he was shaking his head and slowly prying the note from Tonks' hands. His voice was shaky. "I'll recognize that handwriting anywhere. That's Sirius' writing."

Tonks was stunned stupid. "But—but he's—"

"I know."

Remus slowly unfolded the note, and Tonks read it over his shoulder.

_Moony—_

_First, congratulations on your recent nuptials, and accept my apologies that I was unable to attend. I hope the arrival of this package didn't interrupt any kinky honeymoon lovemaking. If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. Now I know you're probably wondering why I would write a letter like this. It so happens that a week ago, we were at Prongs and Mrs Prongs' wedding, and I was looking at your sorry arse attempting to talk up some less-than-desirable bridesmaid. It suddenly occurred to me that I will probably never in my lifetime see my pathetic friend Remus J. Lupin get married. This made me sad. Then I started thinking about what would happen if you did get married, but I was not around to see it. And let's face it, I'm far more likely to get myself killed off before you, you anal retentive bastard. I bet you saved the gift wrap, didn't you. Anyway, I, Sirius Black, could not allow a silly thing like mortality to get in the way of partaking in your joy. So, on the off chance that you did manage to get hitched—and apparently you have, and I must say I'm far more shocked than you are—I made this gift package and charmed it to find its way to you on the day of your wedding, were I not able to deliver it in person. And so here it is. And you had better like it, because it was a bloody complicated charm to cast, especially after the third drink._

_My sincerest wishes to both of you for your lifelong happiness. I hope your girl is incredibly beautiful, a minx in bed, and in no way related to me. You did tell her about your furry little problem, right! Oh Merlin's balls, what have you done._

_Wait, it is a woman, right? If not, I must say I had suspicions all along._

_Oh, Prongs tells me to tell you to remember to never tell your wife she looks fat, and to compliment her daily. And bring her fresh flowers. And learn to cook. Jesus, the bloody wanker is pussy-whipped already._

_Cheers, mate._

_Padfoot_

Remus and Tonks were silent and still for a few moments after they had finished reading the letter. Finally, Remus closed his eyes and smiled.

"I wish he were here," he said.

"I know," said Tonks, as she wrapped her arms around him from behind.

Remus half-smiled. "Mostly I just want to beat the crap out of him. Wanker. I bet he never expected this day would come."

"I don't think so," said Tonks. "If he really didn't think you would fall in love and get married one day, he wouldn't have bothered to go through all the trouble."

Remus reached over and grabbed the cider bottle and laughed. "This was Sirius' favorite brand. Dirt cheap and tastes awful, but it does the job. And it was all we could get our hands on those days."

"Well, it's Vintage 1979 now. Some things get better with age, you know." Tonks grinned wryly, and Remus leaned against her. She ran a loving hand through his hair with one hand, and grabbed her wand with the other to open the bottle.

"Wait," said Remus. "Maybe we should save it. Give it to Harry or something."

Tonks looked at his haunted eyes. She knew the real reason he wanted to save it—it was the last gift he would ever get from his old friend. "Do you really think Sirius sent this to you with the intention that you stare at it and be sad? If he saw you right now, he would be beating the crap out of _you_. James and Sirius—they would both want you to celebrate."

Remus looked thoughtful. "I think you're just getting impatient to get on with breaking the bed," he finally said with a small smirk.

Tonks laughed. "Can I open this now?"

Remus nodded. "Yes, but I'd better be the one to open it. I don't think Padfoot and Prongs anticipated how big of a klutz I'd be marrying."

Tonks feigned shock and insult, but got up in search of something to pour the cider into as Remus opened the bottle. Not finding anything in the dingy room (at least not in the areas that didn't reek of fairy fart), she finally chose to dump out the change from the HAPPY FUN FUND cup and handed the empty cup to Remus, who swiftly poured them a drink.

"I'll have to thank them for the Happy Fun Fund," he mused. "Really did come in handy."

He handed Tonks the cup, while he chose to drink straight from the bottle.

"Remus Lupin," said Tonks. "I didn't think you had it in you," she teased.

"Sirius would have wanted it this way. Cheers, Mrs Moony."

They each took a swig from their respective containers. Remus merely grimaced, while Tonks immediately spewed cider all over him.

"That's disgusting," she mumbled. "Horrible. Oh, bloody hell, I've gotten it all over you."

A mischievous Marauder grin slowly emerged on Remus' face. He took the bottle and Tonks' paper cup, placed them on a rickety old table covered in crepe paper, and sighed. "Guess I'll just have to get out of these wet clothes, then."

Tonks laughed. "No wonder Sirius never expected you to get married—with cheesy pick-up lines like that—"

He silenced her with a kiss, and Tonks knew that was the end of any mention of Sirius for the night. "Well, let's get you out of those wet clothes then," Tonks whispered as they climbed back into the bed—SQUEEEEAAAAAKEEEEKY SQUEEEAK.

Tonks leaned over and dropped five knuts into the Super Vibrating Action box. "Let's see what this thing can do."

They lay down next to each other on the bed, holding hands.

Nothing happened.

They waited a few seconds, but still nothing.

"Well, that's rubbish," cried Tonks. "The charm must have worn out. We should call housekeeping or something."

Remus lazily grabbed his wand off the nightstand. "You know, it's really a simple spell they use. They just stick the box there to get your money." He cleared his throat. "_Vibratto."_

The bed began to shake.

"_Nox."_

SQUEAK.

"Oooh!"

_SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK._


End file.
